I'm Just Waiting On A Friend

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~~Mark Twain


Rarely am I given the opportunity to truly atone for my own sins of the past (lo there are many to choose from), or witness as someone close to me does so, much as I would like to be there. But in the last two weeks that's exactly what's happened. A person who means a great deal to me and who has been a source of my lowest lows and privy to my loudest belly laughs seems to be coming out of a very dark place.

As I grieved for my dad, so did I grieve for this fellow. It seemed that he was always on the shaded side of the street, head down and dragging his feet. He'd lost faith in the world and in himself, which was a true shame because that's the only person he felt he could be around for any length of time. I wanted nothing more than to hug him and help him smile like he did before, but knew nothing could be more wrong than to follow that instinct. I knew I couldn't make him feel happiness or force him to engage. He had to want it. He needed help. And the help couldn't come from me or any of my kind. For us I thought there would be no chance of healing. Where I longed for kind encouragement or playful banter, there were only awkward stutters and angry exchanges. In place of smiling eyes and wide grins, I was met head on with gazes of pure despair and unfettered, wild grief.

Years passed. Years.

I grew hard.

I moved on.

I left him to fight his demons alone. I never expected him to win. But he is. He is winning.

He's found a great worth inside himself that has triggered him to see what most everyone around him has seen. He's had tools and help, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No one should be expected to deal with that kind of crushing sadness alone. I admire the tremendous amount of work he's done, and continues to do, to open up the branches a little for the light. Even if it's just a little, by God it's something.

Good Times Are Here Again...

In my never ending quest to see all of the major Oscar nominees prior to the Academy Awards telecast on February 22, I am woefully behind, I fear. Christopher Nolan wasn't the only person the Academy shafted on Thursday morning. I thought I had tied up at least two of the likely Best Picture nominees when I saw "The Dark Knight" and "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", and possibly even three with my viewing of "Wall-E." But no. It was not meant to be. Currently I'm 1 for 5 in that category. After all of the nominations were made available, J and I determined the order of the rest of the BP nominees we'll head to see at the theater, as they are all still in wide release, and not yet available on DVD (thanks for THAT, Hollywood). Fortunately, we live in a town that still subscribes to the idea of movies as little pieces of celluloid magic, so all of the films are available to us at a theater nearby. We have about 27 movie houses in our close vicinity, most of which are independently owned, and we do not take that treasured state of affairs for granted, believe me. As sick as it might sound, I chose this apartment based on not only how close it was to my dear Polish friends, but also its proximity to the greatest indy video store in the nation, Movie Madness, where my favorite video tech looks exactly like a hot version of Mama Firefly and is endlessly helpful.

We commemorated Oscar Nomination Eve (ONE) on Wednesday with a 7:00 showing of "The Wrestler." As unpredictable as the Best Picture and Best Actress categories have a tendency to be, the Best Actor nominations are historically closely linked to the Golden Globe nominees for male in a dramatic leading role, so I was pretty confident we could count on a Mickey Rourke nod, if not win. I still haven't seen "The Visitor", "Milk", or "Frost/Nixon", so my apologies to Richard Jenkins, Sean Penn, and Frank Langella for such presumption. And Brad, well, Brad. As much as I love you in the deep loving bits of my heart, the movie wasn't about you, but more about the people around you reacting to your steadfast portrayal of an odd character, so I'm pretty sure this isn't your year just yet.

Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker (if you have not seen it yet, stop reading this and do so) has earned him the last nomination he will ever have. Alive or dead, his performance is striking and he's going to win--sentimentality aside, the guy's talent is hard to overlook (though the Academy managed to do so in 2005, much to their lame chagrin these days). Philip Seymour Hoffman is yet again pitted against Heath, and while I've not yet seen "Doubt", I would swear a blood oath that his performance is Oscar-worthy. I mean, let's face it. He's Philip Seymour Hoffman and he rules. He just does. But because he had the misfortune of being the guy who beat Heath in 2005, he will not win. Nor will Robert Downey, Jr.'s freakishly comedic turn in "Tropic Thunder," though I wouldn't cry in my bowl of Total if he did. Josh Brolin, whose bodily proportions never fail to remind me of an overgrown midget and give me pause every time I see him in a movie, has the only genuine shot at slicing through Heath's juggernaut of glory because he plays a psychotically homophobic killer and that makes the Academy ooooohhhh and aaaahhhh with squishy-panted delight.

Every year it seems the nominees serve up at least a dollop of misery in one or two overwrought dramas, and this year is no exception. "The Reader" is set with the backdrop of a WWII tragedy and a love story, because apparently nothing says "get it on" in Hollywood more than the tragedy of the Holocaust. Ralph Fiennes has dug out quite the niche for himself with this type of film by starring in not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR Holocaust pictures. Check my math: "The English Patient", "The End of the Affair", "The Reader" and of course his horrifying turn as Nazi Amon Goeth in "Schindler's List." While I abhor sitting through this kind of movie, I'll do it for Kate Winslet because she is the female answer to Philip Seymour Hoffman. She rules because she does. Circular or not, the logic sticks. She is a brilliant actress and can make even the most repulsive movie (suck it, "Little Children") watchable. Oh you'll feel it in the morning, but at the time you're watching it all you can focus on is how she spins disgusting story arcs straw into mesmerizing gold. For too long, six nominations to be exact, she has been snubbed, overlooked, and forsaken for the likes of Helen Hunt. That's right. I said it. Fucking Helen Hunt, who graduated summa cum laude from the Gwyneth Paltrow School For Wooden Expressionless "Acting" beat our beloved Kate. I say NO MORE will we stand for this kind of shenanigan voting practice on the part of the Academy.

So at this most sacred time of year in my warped little world, I make a nightly wish and throw it to the south where the majority of Academy voters reside to ask that you do your jobs, Voting Elite, and cast your ballot (for once) on the merits of the performance without the distraction of studio campaigns, sentimentality, insider politics, nepotism, or profiteering interests. Shhhhhhh. Just do it.

And Oscar Goes To... Not So Fast, Mr. Penn!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the full list of Oscar Nominees. Read it. Learn it. Live it.


Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Achievement in Directing
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant, Milk
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Kate Winslet. The Reader
Meryl Streep, Doubt

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams, Doubt
Penélope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
Wall-E

Original Screenplay
Dustin Lance Black, Milk
Courtney Hunt, Frozen River
Mike Leigh, Happy-Go-Lucky
Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
Andrew Stanton and Jim Reardon, WALL-E

Adapted Screenplay
Eric Roth and Robin Swicord, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley, Doubt
Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon
David Hare, The Reader
Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
The Class (France)
Departures (Japan)
Revanche (Austria)
Waltz With Bashir (Israel)

Original Score
Alexandre Desplat, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
James Newton Howard, Defiance
Danny Elfman, Milk
A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire
Thomas Newman, WALL-E

Original Song
"Down to Earth," Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman; WALL-E
"Jai Ho," A.R. Rahman and Gulzar; Slumdog Millionaire
"O Saya," A.R. Rahman and Maya Arulpragasam; Slumdog Millionaire

Achievement in Art Direction
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Duchess
Revolutionary Road

Achievement in Cinematography
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Achievement in Costume Design
Australia
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Duchess
Milk
Revolutionary Road

Best Documentary Feature
The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)
Encounters at the End of the World
The Garden
Man on Wire
Trouble the Water

Best Documentary Short Subject
The Conscience of Nhem En
The Final Inch
Smile Pinki
The Witness—From the Balcony of Room 306

Achievement in Film Editing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire

Achievement in Makeup
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire

Best Animated Short Film
La Maison en Petits Cubes
Lavatory—Lovestory
Oktapodi
Presto
This Way Up

Best Live Action Short Film
Auf der Strecke (On the Line)
Manon on the Asphalt
New Boy
The Pig
Spielzeugland (Toyland)

Achievement in Sound Editing
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Slumdog Millionaire
WALL-E
Wanted

Achievement in Sound Mixing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Slumdog Millionaire
WALL-E
Wanted

Achievement in Visual Effects
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Iron Man

Room 1009

Some families are Muslim. Some families are Jewish or Catholic. Our family is Rolling Stonish. We have followed the goings on of Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, (Bill Wyman, Brian Jones, Mick Taylor, and Ronnie Wood) the way normal people watch their favorite baseball team or coolest uncles' antics. From an early age I can remember setting up a war fort or space scene in the basement while I created my own unfilmed videos to "Paint It Black" and "2000 Light Years From Home".

My brothers and I each have a favorite Stone, mine and Matt's being Charlie, the silent drummer who looks like he's putting up with the stage shows more than living them up. He's the anchor of the band, literally and figuratively. His drum set establishes the center of the stage around which the other players orbit like drunken comets, while his stable demeanor has helped see his band mates through cracked marriages and almost admirable, if it weren't so copious and destructive, drug and alcohol abuse. If bodies are temples, this group is a rain soaked, smoldering tent city.



So it was with great anticipation that I finally watched "Shine A Light", the Rolling Stones and Martin Scorsese collaborative rockumentary released in early April '08. I hadn't seen it in the theater when it came out because I was saving for a trip back to Michigan. When I came back, the Pixie was in town and it wasn't a movie she felt the urge to see. By the time September rolled around, the movie was out of the theaters, even the second runs, and I would have to wait for the DVD. I told J I wanted it for Christmas and he delivered the goods with glee last week.

When I first heard of the project, I was ecstatic that Martin Scorsese was the director. Not only because he rules as a director, but because he has a great history with the band and wouldn't treat them as just some rock oddity who's managed to struggle their old bones through a performance. He relishes and uses their music to form a girder on which he builds the often harsh stories he tells about the underworld. Next time you're watching "Casino" or "The Departed" or "Goodfellas", have a listen. He's subtle about it, but their gritty tunes are what he wipes the used knives on after the gruesome mob retributions explode. This movie was going to be that of a friend's perspective, rather than a snuff exploitation of an aging rock band.

I did have a bone to pick with Marty, though. I was disappointed with the title "Shine A Light" for completely selfish reasons. That is in my top 3 favorite Stones songs and I didn't want to share. It killed my soul a little to think about some ignorant college freshman dumbass grooving to my song without understanding the full scope of its awesomeness. That it was conceived from the pain of two broken souls losing their dear doomed friend in the throes of addiction and it was birthed on, in my opinion, the greatest rock album of all time, Exile on Main St. three years after said friend's death. But then I took a step back. Maybe this song would be sacrificed on the altar of rock education and teach that kid something about what real music should sound like. Maybe that song would move her to set aside (or better yet smash under a bulldozer) her Ashlee Simpson CD and delve into the history of the song and the band. And I could live with that.

As I watched the movie last night, two moments stood out. During a fantastic rendition of "Far Away Eyes", a song with a fun country twist, Mick and Keith come together to sing a bar of the chorus and Keith casually, and seemingly instinctively puts both arms loosely around Mick's shoulders, as if that's where they were meant to be. It was made more beautiful by the pure incidental nature of the gesture. Keith may have been just trying to hold himself upright, but to me, it was an easy comradery reserved for musical spouses celebrating their union in the only way they know how.

The second, and most moving moment was in the Behind the Scenes featurette which showcased both Martin Scorsese's mastery of images, and the essence of the band. It was before the show, after sound check and the meet and greet of the VIPs (that included President and Senator Clinton). Mick is glad handing some guests off to the side, Charlie is off the scene, and Keith is sitting on the farthest stool from the Mick crowd, alone with his guitar and working through a song that sounds nothing like the Stones genre of music. He's content and playing, his fingers gnarled from overuse are plucking at the strings of an acoustic guitar. He looks up for a moment to smile at the camera man, and then looks down to lose himself in the music.

Fade to black, but not fade away....

At Jess' Request...

1. Do you like blue cheese? I do. I would eat it on my cornflakes if it weren't so expensive.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Not since my stint in the Brownies. Those bitches run rough.

3. Do you own a gun? Nope. Neither of us wants one in the home. The cats are way too volatile.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I have never been to Sonic, though commercials make it look like shake nirvana.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not anymore, but I used to pass out at the lady doctor. They love that.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think they've been marginalized for far too long. Give them the vote, I say. It's time for the othering to stop.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Three-way tie: Scrooged, Bad Santa, Home for the Holidays

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Cristal, but if that's not available, I'll take tea, I guess.

9. Can you do push ups? Can, youbetcha. Do, ohgodno.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? The crown jewels. Or my blue sapphire ring from Trace.

11. Favorite hobby? I like to pour myself a nice glass of wine, turn on some Tiny Tim and get to the business of building doll house furniture out of sausages, barley, and spit. You know, the usual.

12. Do you have A.D.D? What? Sorry, I was just about to...can you hold on a second? Thanks. What were you saying? Oh, I was? Well shit. I guess I --look at the pretty lights...

13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? I'm a huge judger and have very little empathy for people who allow themselves to be kicked around by their partners.

14. Middle name? Ellen. After my dad's first wife's sister. Would you like to set up my appointment with a therapist, or shall I?

15. What is your favorite TV show or movie? TV Show: Bret Michael's Whorific Circus Sideshow, er, "Rock of Love" and all its endless derivations. Movie: "The Right Stuff"

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Draino, mayonnaise, and cat litter. Hey! It's the holidays. You celebrate your way...

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Tea, juice, and unsettled jell-o

18. Current worry? That it's wrong to still have a thing for Heath Ledger, considering he's, well, you know

19. Current hate right now? OH GOD. That terrible commercial with the rabbit that horrifyingly morphs into a running robot dog thing. FUCK YOU, YOU CREEPY RABBITTY BASTARD

20. Favorite place to be? In front of Jeff Bridges' zipper

21. Where would you like to go? To your house. Say, Thursday around 6?

22. Name three people who will complete this? Mickey Rourke, Don Rickles, and Duff McKagan. They're huge followers of this blog. I mean, who isn't?

24. What shirt are you wearing? My Keith Richards for President shirt. Pictured here.

25. What year would you go back in time to? 1988. It was Designing Women's best year.

26. Can you whistle? Not even a little.

27. Favorite color? 1970s orange

28. Would you be a pirate? Wait a second, Survey Writer. Are you asking if I would like to be a real pirate or a movie pirate? The reason I ask is that Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow would have been passed around a real pirate ship like a lollipop in Oliver's orphanage. None for me, thanks.

29. Favorite girl’s name? Maude Margaret

30. Favorite boy’s name? David Discretion

31. Last thing you dreamed about? Flikka could talk. She was still a cat, but she had a lot to say about how we run the household. I made myself wake up.

32. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing. I have only the wish for pockets on my pajamas at the moment.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Clayton's status message that reads: "Thanks to peripheral vision & the breakfast food aisle, I thought for a moment that Post came out with a new cereal called 'Just Bitches'." Beautiful.

34. Best Halloween costume? My personal best was this year's Marge Gunderson from "Fargo"

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Broken heart

36. Do you like where you live? I do. I could live without the self-congratulatory smugness this area lends itself to sometimes, but overall Portland kicks booty.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2

38. Who is your loudest friend? Oh hands down. Terry. Jesus wept. His "whisper" makes my eardrum shake its head in disgust.

39. How many dogs do you have? I have three in my head. In reality, though, they're cats.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Man, I hope so. The wedding could get awkward if he doesn't.

41. What is your favorite book(s)? "I Like You" by Amy Sedaris, "1984" by George Orwell, and "James and the Giant Peach" by Roald Dahl

42. What is your favorite candy? Snowcaps, and for some reason the movie houses around here are major Snowcaps bigots. It makes me sad.

43. Favorite Sports Team? Detroit Red Wings

44. Favorite Sports? Hockey, gymnastics, lion taming

45. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Reading my new book from Turbo

46. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I would like to continue reading my new book from Turbo.

Roles of a Lifetime

Sometimes I get off the beaten path and tend to lose focus about where I'm headed or what I'm doing to get there. I say sometimes when I mean yesterday, today, and tomorrow I do that. I live in the haze with blasts of clarity. Always interesting. Always motivating. One of the things that jars me back to center is my family and relationships. So, I took a moment to do an exercise this afternoon that helped jog my perspective back into joint.

While I don't know who I will be, let me tell you who I am:

I am Sooze, Matt, Russ' sister.
I am Tracie's sister by spirit.
I am Janel and Dave's sister-in-law.
I am Janice and David's daughter.
I am K's stepmother.
I am J's fiance.
I am Oscar, Lillian, Ruth, and Rupert's granddaughter.
I am Dawson, Ababu, and Lily's godmother.
I am Tim, Dawson, Violet, Ababu, Genevieve, Emma, Lily, Sierra, Dakota, Helena, Micah, Noah, Cabe, Quinn, Laura, Leah, Monkey, Devon, Colin, Kenny, and Tessa's aunt. So far.
I am the NPF's employee.
I am Jill, Lissa, and Crystal's moon sister.
I am NPR and Alzheimer's Association's contributing supporter.
I am Nicole, Ron, Christine, and Tracie's old roommate.
I am Silkie Madge, Rascal Reverend Jim, and Flikka's hairless monkey companion.
I am Craig, Rich, Terry's, and the Academy Awards', biggest fan, unashamedly.

It's easy at this time of year to begin to evaluate what happened in 2008 and what circumstances are leading to in 2009, but for me, I find a great deal of comfort in the immovable relationships that shift and grow, but remain fundamentally cemented in the mirror reflection, always at the ready to look back at you with a nod and a wink.

In honor of the Golden Globe Nominations...

This is a fun little game my friend posted on Facebook. I thought it would be a nifty and timely entry, considering the recent announcement of the Golden Globe nominations.

Here's how it works:

1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies (not necessarily nominated or released in the last year).
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

My selections follow.

1. Monkeys? You think a monkey knows he's sittin' on top of a rocket that might explode? These astronaut boys they know that, see? Well, I'll tell you something, it takes a special kind of man to volunteer for a suicide mission, especially one that's on TV. Ol' Gus, he did all right.

"The Right Stuff" by Sooze

2. The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last. "Willy Wonka" by Armisteads

3. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say. "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

"The Jerk" by E

4. How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and *lots* and *lots* of makeup.

5. You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you.

6. Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was, standing face to face with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away... Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

"Blazing Saddles" by Armisteads

7. Hey, nice marmot!

8. It's a crystal. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it, it will show you your dreams. But this is not a gift for an ordinary girl who takes care of a screaming baby.

"Labyrinth" by E

9. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

10. After my divorce from Luther I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow.

11. She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good. Especially Jefferson and Lincoln. Kind of bloated but happy.

12. Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

13. Except my name. I'll give up all that other stuff, but only if I get to keep my name. I've worked too hard for it, your honor.

14. Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

15. I guess you think I'm kicking you, Bob. But it ain't so. What I'm doing is talking, you hear? I'm talking to all those villains down there in Kansas. I'm talking to all those villains in Missouri. And all those villains down there in Cheyenne. And what I'm saying is there ain't no whore's gold. And if there was, how they wouldn't want to come looking for it anyhow.

16. Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask Him if He could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.

"Life of Brian" by Armisteads

17. Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much... it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breath...

18. That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

19. Listen, if you didn't know you're bein' scammed, you're too fuckin' dumb to keep this job. If you did know, you were in on it. Either way, you're out. Get out! Go on. Let's go.

"Casino" by E

20. Neighbors bring food with death, and flowers with sickness, and little things in between. Boo was our neighbor. He gave us two soap dolls, a broken watch and chain, a knife, and our lives.

"To Kill a Mockingbird" by Armisteads