The Captain

My nephew has taken to subscribing to catalogs online. The catalogs are delivered to my sister's house and neither she nor her husband ever ordered products or services from the places contacting them by mail. They'll find the magazines or product booklets on their stoop and look at each other with puzzlement until it dawns on them who must have ordered them. The best part of all of this is he doesn't just subscribe in his name, or even his parents' names. No no no. He subscribes with aliases like Major John Schumacher II or Captain Hugh Birkshire, easily cementing his place in my Top Ten Favorite Bullshitters of all time. Just fantastic.

This is the same kid who's been spitting insults that would make Don Rickles blush since he was about 4. In answer to his brother's smartass remark, "Knowledge: It's contagious, Dad" at Christmas dinner last year, the good Captain Hugh shot back "And clearly you're immune." Tears ensued.

Each of my nieces and nephews (and they are Legion) has righteous qualities that keep us smiling when they're acting like jackasses on fire at bedtime, but for now, Major John and his cache of catalogs and AARP newsletters have a place of honor and admiration from one BS'er to another.